The guy asked if i had a problem w/set schedules
I woke up naked in my living room and my mom was next to me like we need to talk
so the guy behind me in court for my DUI hearing got a DUI on a lawnmower at 1AM...he is my new hero
I don't know what's more sad having a rewards account at a liquor store or already racking up 273 dollar points since january
Every time I remember you're bi, the world gets a little brighter.
Is it too early to say this year has been a blur?
He started screaming when he saw my dog. He thought it was a polar bear
She left her panties here. They looked SOOO much smaller last night.
Not only did my parents pick me up from his hotel room in the morning, but he also came outside and had a casual little chat with my dad through the driver's side windrow.
It was all fun and games until she said "you're so pretty I wanna punch you in the face" and the proceeded to punch her in the face
I just bought a bottle of lube for my car.
This whole quitting my bad habits all at once is really messing with my ability to function.
Wait you actually sent a text to your self saying “love you I miss you"?
I’ve gotta be honest, I didn’t expect to have sex. I didn’t shave... anything. You couldn’t have been impressed.
It'd be good to change things up a bit, right now the only public service I'm doing from my apt is hanging out in my underwear with the lights on.
Randomize
