She STILL went home with me even when I said yes when she asked if I had an infectious disease. Turns out she asked if I had an infectious spirit...well she has my infectious spirit now
You know, be my cock's hype man.
I maybe just had sex outside in broad daylight. At a state park. Please be proud.
Every fourth of July I get sentimental when I think back to the one where we drove around baked off our asses crashing multiple cookouts listening to Team America's "America, Fuck Yea" on repeat. I miss us.
if I'm at school tomorrow just indulge my moment of pity and let me cry on your shoulder
Its not even real halloween yet. This extremely toxic yet briliant costume is going to kill me
If I have to go to the hospital, at least put my pants back on. It's been a fantastic night.
About to go get a free burrito for kissing a bald man in public
possible new low: just washed a permanent marker penis off my cheek with porta-potty hand sanitizer.
also if this is gonna be a sample of how country jam will be, I might as well break up with him now. he spent the night blacked out and I could have been in a three-some.
Just me, my martini, and my backup Martini.
Ps I think male models just broke down outside or maybe gay German sex travelers
premonition: im going to wake up covered in mashed potatoes
I think I must have activated my bat signal.... All three of my FWBs contacted me today!
While we were doing it he looked up at me and said "Does your husband fuck you this good?" Talk about a mood killer....
Apparently last night I was doing back bends for the guy making my easy mac because clearly it wasn't easy enough for me.
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