I puked a lego.
woke up at my desk with a paper in front of me that says "people stranded on islands love having wet dreams" what the fuck happened last night
Just saw a half naked, drunk, 6th grade math teacher throwing small children around to the Titanic soundtrack.
What kind of wedding is this and why wasn't I invited
The guy in 209 is masturbating with the door cracked again
This morning is cloudy with a high chance of vomiting all over the dentist. Stay tuned for further updates.
my left tit made it into the crop job on your profile pic, I knew it was good for other things
He told me I was a pleasure to arrest. That's the 2nd time I've heard that.
Check your mailbox. I left a "sorry I didn't have time to suck your dick today" consolation gift.
Don't shower too much, need the shame to be fresh to get the best story
My sexual preferences tend to require a degree in psychology to understand
I should probably just LinkedIn request everyone I've ever slept with so they stop popping up on my suggested connections list
My breath smells like dick and biscuits..
I visited the library for the first time in my college career tonight and I got laid. I think I'm gonna come back...
I know it's New Year's Eve but if you're going to have a bunch of chicks playing strip go fish in our apartment I need a heads up.
Don't come in. My door to my bathroom won't close because of the table and I'm pooping
Classy
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