life lesson learned today: sleeping pills and laxatives don't mix.
i'm starting to get really nervous about the relationship i have with my cat
I am highly attracted to the men and that's all i can say. I do not clap and make noises but i do turn to the side and say how i'd do incredible things to them if given the chance
sometimes i feel like my only option in life is to be drunk or be a cat. today i am drunk
Ugh. This is the type of hangover that all other hangovers want to grow up to be.
Well call me tomorrow, it's a great story that may lead to me being fired and/or possibly being buried in a shallow grave somewhere out in wine country.
Hey I have your shoes. Do you remember shouting "Police brutality!" when the bouncer was kicking you out last night?
sex in a tree stand. check.
you lucky bastard
I fucked a guy that's in Sports illustrated. I'm officially ready for college.
Duuuuuuuude, I need you to sleep with my girlfriend so I can tell you both to move out
It felt as if we were fucking on a sea of baby feet and morgan freemans face hair
she comes in perfect pitch. hook up with more singers.
When you make me feel sane and well-adjusted, it is time to reevaluate your night out habits. Just sayin'.
It would be magical, all 2 min of it.
Like I'm not tryna become president or marry a doctor or some shit here, like one level above garbage is all I'm asking for
Randomize
