Pls tell me she didnt actually sign a nutsack.
So called my VP's house on Sunday drunk and told him that if he didn't hire me for the new position I would skull fuck his wife. They asked me to go home today. Thanks again Vodka
me and my sister are feeding my dog poprocks. this is proof you don't need a lot of money to have fun.
she insisted that i refer to her boobs by name.
He just texted me from the outside of the hospital. He called the fat broad in the bar mrs snuffleupagus about 60 times and she broke a bottle of blackberry brandy over his head.
Your drinking has interfered with your drinking. I bet you could get a scholarship to a rehab. Thats pro-level
Why did I just find out you and Andrew had sex right next to my face when I passed out on the beach?
At the time it seemed romantic and its also extremely frowned down upon to leave a passed out person by themselves in an unfamiliar place.
Why did I wake up by myself then?
Jacked up my neck and shoulder hanging on for dear life while I rode him like a boss. Plus my house smells like broccoli, bad! How's YOUR morning?
I find it ironic...the gays are dying to get married & I just want a fucking divorce
Also I want everyone to be drunk at my funeral. Instead of wearing black just blackout. That way everyone can celebrate how fun I was
I feel as if I need Plan B just being in the same room as them for more than 5 minutes.
Using my graduation announcement box as a table to roll a blunt on. I've official stopped giving a shit about senior year
What's Spanish for "I shouldn't have worn these underwear to work?"
my mom asked if I found my Easter basket. it's 1PM & I got home an hour ago from last night. if I'm looking for anything, it's my dignity.
I'm sure if Robin Williams was still with us he would want you to see boobs.
Randomize
