you kept yelling 'bird cage' in between songs and finally the lead singer stopped to ask if you meant 'free bird' and you said 'fuck you, i'm not gay', needless to say you were kindly escorted out
well hello there hangover. fancy meeting you here on this BRIGHT thursday morning.
this one can actually spell my name, that's a shoe-in
Watching Fresh Prince at 9am with a beer in hand and he just said to Uncle Phil "Sometimes I worry that I'll never get my life together." I feel like that was a sign from above or something
No, this time she was diabetic. I think I fucked her into diabetic shock.
found a ham sandwich in the elevator it tasted so hungry and it was still fresh. dont be mad at me. you know you love ham.
Apparently I spent my 300 dollar tax return by ordering ramen on amazon last night. Please tell me this will somehow pay off in the long run.
The bosnian sent me a sext with his dick next to a comcast remote. It went up to the "stop" button. Ironic and appropriate. Grab your remote and imagine it.
You've ruined television for me.
Im so tired of dysfunctional exs fucking up my relationships with future dysfunctional exs
They called me at 5 AM saying they had a present for me
If drinking had a "new high score" I think I hit it this weekend.
Oh man
I hooked up with the lead singer of the band at the wedding. I am so hungover.
I had to carry him up the hill while he was wearing nothing but knee high socks and a blue glitter sequin leotard.
Why is this not a picture message?
Dude, someone puked in my washing machine last night, I tried turning it on to clean it...not a good idea
Literally been in their house 5 minutes and I've projectile vomited all over the bathroom wall. The dog licked it up though so I think it's cool.
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