I fear hooking up with people who have white pillowcases because my guyliner always smears on it and i either have to A. sneak out in the night or B. wash it and see them again
Does it bother you that I left your underwear hanging in a tree at the zoo? i think the turtles are enjoying it.
i woke up to my roomate hitting me in the head with a can of PBR at 8:30 in the morning...i love spring break
I think the fact that my first kiss is now in a porno says a lot about why my life is the way it is
two words...techno handjob
I think it's safe to say taking shots on the way to the emergency room was rock bottom. We're going to need to think of ways to top that between now and next new years eve...
There was a time I was reining queen of Sunday funday... And at that same time I also weighed 20 pounds more, had the morale of a spearmint rhino stripper, and woke up most mornings asking more questions than fucking Barbara Walters. I think I just wrote my own epitaph.
Brandon just showed up at my place with a florida state cheerleader he met in vegas durin spring break. His life is a fucking movie
I didn't even have pants on and you think I had an agenda
Having sex with my girlfriend wearing my old Tom Brady jersey on the day he's freed is the closest I'll come to a 3way with Tom
I gave him a HANDJOB.
But then he finished from a handjob in under two minutes so who's really laughing?
If I die at work, I want you to have my mustache collection
It’s like my vagina just knows when a man is a barrel-chested freedom fighter.
I kept screaming at his rabbit: "IT'S OKAY, YOU CAN HAVE SOME TRIX. FUCK THOSE SELFISH BITCHES."
Its that time in the evening when I've had a few cocktails and wish you'd make a video about the packers and Jack Daniels.
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