Things I find upon waking: a gay man, a straight girl both clad in web bathing suits, a full bathtub, an empyt bottle of jamesons at the bottom and a scuba mask
She made me add her as a friend on fb before she got into my bed... I sense a stalker
oh my god, there is an imprint from the nuva ring in the christmas card my mom sent me. merry christmas.
It finally happened. My conscience stopped working. I've never felt so free
like stop trying to get a relationship out of this when i'm clearly in the drunken mistakes part of my life.
I just saw her shopping list. The only things on it are blackberries, hot fudge and condoms. I almost don't wanna know. Almost.
Cookies. Watch out fir falling satellites.
I thought the cops would know I was on shrooms because I was 10ft tall.
It's like I just got slapped in the face with the cock of nostalgia.
It's been a year of occasional hook ups....this was bound to happen sometime even with your jank ovary schedule.
I found him passed out against a dryer in the girls washroom, in front of an old woman was trying to figure out how to dry her hands.
I want you to get your positive energy all over me. I want to to look like something from Ghostbusters.
to have them in my mouth would be like meeting a unicorn while floating on a cloud of glitter
I've finally given up enough on finals week to wear the same shirt three days in a row, because I didn't take my hoodie off for the first two.
What's a nice way of saying 'I wish I hadn't fucked you.'
Randomize
