apparently it's okay for him to stick his dick in my mouth but not to let me have a can of diet pepsi for the road.
I have decided that a Nickelback cover band would be the pinnacle of loserdom.
"Take a picture of me motorboating molly" was probably not my best career move
I'm not sure how exactly, but this funeral has turned into a ridiculous night of drinking games
But I love Penises too much to give up on them. My phone capitalized Penises. It's like it knows I respect them
at the hospital. the stripper fell on his face when she was trying to grab the dollar bill out of his mouth with her ass. broken nose for sure.
I'm currently trying to decide if crown or wild turkey will hurt worse coming back out through my nose later.
I can't leave your house without my underwear spending the night.
Next time you're baked eat baked beans and potato chips together. Like dip them in the beans. It's so good
L'Shannah Tovah!
Whats that? My new stripper name?
You're like my little fucked up version of the groundhog seeing its shadow, only it's boobs and warm weather.
Don't make me do math I'm drunk and full of chicken
Omg. I can't go on a date with this man. His kids are too ugly.
Your phone just changed "liver" to "liquor" how dose that make you feel
I should have known it wouldn’t work. Someone saved in her phone as “Subway Sex” called the week before the wedding
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