End of the semester and I banged 14 freshman. I'm like my own welcome to college orientation guide.
I just walked in on my roommate beating off with no pants on, an unbuttoned hawaiian shirt and a cowboy hat, and he weights 300 pounds
thank you for introducing me to everyone on chat roulette as I was passed out.
She wouldn't stop saying her own name. Like a damn pokemon.
And then you gave the bride a high five and said "Go forth and Consummate."
I have decided today is drunk costume day. That is, i woke up still drunk and found costumes all over my floor. Heck yes. This is happening. Come over. Drink.
I told them I was gay and asked them to pass the pie. I ruined pumpkin pie for grandpa.
He had a beer bottle in each of his back pockets and was on rollerblades. All I remember is following him for about 10 minutes
Okay Im going to go have some sex apparently. I hope this chick is prepared the zero effort Im going to put into it.
Russian roulette. Between salvia and weed. You in?
FUCK YOU MAN
I looked the guy across the room straight in the eyes and said, "If you were any closer to me, we'd be making out right now."
So if I tell her fire is hot and it will burn her... she's probably just going to keep throwing her vagina at it huh?
Dude, the lecture theatre is caving in on me.
I bit my tongue so hard I left a deep imprint. Fuck you tongue, stop getting in the way of food.
All I ever do is give guys anxiety problems and flaccid penises.
Randomize
