I just got a bj @ my old preschool...my childhood memories r all ruined
i told the bartender last night that if the palace saloon made a calendar he would be every month.
new hobby: convincing random sorority girls around campus that we hooked up last weekend. i'm 2 for 5.
they shut off the water. shaving my legs with soda. that desperate.
I think mom knows I'm drunk I put a full blown balloon in the fridge.
Someone painted a weed leaf on my leg with red paint. Or blood. I hope paint.
Holy fuck just found a used tampon in the leg of my pants. it's not paint. It's. Not. Paint.
He sent me a picture of his dick earlier so now we can all laugh at him tomorrow
This is America. Thomas Jefferson would have said I want some vagina.
I'm not gonna lie. The only reason I haven't drank a whole bottle of crown tonight is because we only had 3/4 of a bottle left.
3 2 1 whiskey
Did you take the full box of samoas or do I not remember getting baked and eating half a box by myself?
We dated for a month and a half. he didn't like blow jobs. I honestly don't think he was human.
You know you had a good night when your wearing you best friends pants to work the next day
I yelled out "blow jobs!" in my macroeconomics class. Ask me more about how my life is spiraling out of control.
his mom fetish really needs to stop. this is literally the 5th time i've come home from work and there's been some random skank and her kids in the living room.
did one of the kids use their poo like a crayon on the wall this time?
Randomize
