Um, that's called prostitution
Not if I leave it on the nightstand, then it's called cab money
I have got to lose weight!! Apparently no one wants to fuck a fat chick with herpes.
20 yrs from now I just want to barge in her house and yell at her kids, "I took ur moms virginity!"
Lost is over, my longest committed relationship is coming to an end.
He set 8 alarms to make sure I took my birth control on time..
Not a single person will look me in the eye. Last night must've been bad.
I'm drunk at McDonald's in a fairy costume at 10 am nearly two weeks after Halloween. I don't think the Ohio State fans get it.
Some might say its sad that I am willingly picking up a coke habit to be the skinniest bridesmaid... I think it shows my great dedication and proves I should have been maid of honor.
Hey, i turned the toilet into a water fountain. Drink up.
the fat guy in me is very excited, and the skinny guy in me is very excited for the fat guy in me
All hell broke loose. When the police showed up, this kid somehow haggled with a cop to let him pee in public. I'm convinced he could talk the panties off of a nun
Omg that was my second thought of the morning.
First was that we had pop tarts.
fries before guys. food before dudes. shakes before dates. chips before dicks. lemon bars before football stars. macaroni before screwin' tony. what i'm saying is please come to ladies' night
I asked him to tell me a bedtime story, then threw up on him.
Changed all my ex bf's names to "no" in my phone so the next time I try to drunk text one of them it'll basically be like Russian roulette
Randomize
