I seriously love my fucking boobs. They are so boobs.
Someone sent me a drink from across the bar. It was water.
Truelife: I made out with my ex-boyfriend's girlfriend this weekend. Thank you Captain Morgan...
Was she wearing cherry chapstick??
No. Life's not always a fairytale.....
How do you say "I'm not pregnant in Spanish?"
Do you how many people I've successfully loaded into a Mazda Miata? Six. Six people. How? Strategically.
ur roommate just sent me a pic of us fucking. i'm not coming over anymore.
Why is there an appointment in my calandar called "get the fuck to the bus" at 3 am june 19th?
She went home with him because he works at Jimmy John's and his car "smelled like meat"
he made a bon jovi sex playlist and started crying when "i'll be there" came on... how was your night?
Well we're either getting a bunny or I'm getting you pregnant in about 12 days.
Check the mailbox while you're out!
I already looked this morning. You go check and see what you won on Ebay after your day drinking spree.
You made me drive your car so you could give the dude from the parking lot a BJ in the back seat. Classy.
I was afraid she wouldn't be able keep up but I woke up in a bathtub, she called me a pussy and made me pancakes.
Idk I've taught my 18 month old how to say nipple so kids aren't all bad
I puked on her cat, I think I should at least buy her breakfast
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