I just crawled out of a second story window using a sheet and his clothes for a rope so he wouldn't wake up.
I am so glad I watched Macgyver as a kid.
Drinking mikes hard & watching the swan princess. i fucking LOVE college
i just realized the only form of arm exercise i get is holding my arms up in the stand up tanning booth
Bad news. Pictures just stimulated my memory and i just realized the stripper I hooked up with this weekend tasted like pizza.
Well technically because of daylight savings, I only lasted 15 mintues.
Apparently I also called my credit card company to demand a credit limit increase. I'm so content with not drinking another 60 days
In case you were wondering...putting everclear into a humidifier DOES get you really really drunk.
He was singing Justin Beiber while we did it. I love secure Spanish men
I just went to pick up my pigeon from your house. You should be getting a picture soon
I wish someone would just come knock on my door and fuck me already so that me and my stuffed animals aren't the only ones who see my amazing spring break tan. I'm not getting skin cancer so I can just sit here abstinent.
I want someone to sweep me off my feet and you want someone to fuck you on the kitchen table. They're both perfectly logical needs.
I'm pricing out a roll of that wax butcher paper. We fuck too messy and I can't afford to wash them every afternoon.
The guy I hooked up with two weeks ago just friended me on Venmo, I honestly won't be mad if he pays me for the sex
He woke me up holding a gallon of apple juice and a shot glass...
I call bullshit
Call it what ever you want I just need to figure out how to get permanent marker off my cock
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