i'm in his bathroom *freshening up* and he not only has a hairdryer... but a straightener. get me out of here... NOW
Remind me to tell you about the dream where im a fighting a super hero whose only weakness is sunkist.
I'm not saying I want a booty call. I just want what Cory and Topanga had.
i woke up to 115 texts from him all saying "do you love me??"
You're so wise. You're like my sexual Grandmother Willow.
But hes like a baby bird with a broken wing that i want to FUCK.
I got written up at work for smelling like sex and vodka. Still not sure how they put that into professional terms.
Some guy walked in while I was taking a piss and asked me if I knew of a back way out of the bar. He looked pretty freaked out.
The cop asked you after the breathalyzer what you think you blew and you very discreetly shouted "I'm pretty sure i blew Kyle on the way here "
The entire state will know me by my boobs.
I am drinking fireball and apple juice out of a sippy cup like a fucking toddler.
Now I just sit back and wait to give ass birth to pure evil.
I wanted to say "you're a souless cunt" but in a nice way. So I added a smiley face.
The amount of guys I've turned down for you is disgusting... You better love me.
Currently eating a pop tart in my underwear waiting for the washer. Not one of my prouder moments.
Randomize
