The new Black Eyed Peas song is the stupidest shit I've heard since the last Black Eyed Peas song.
i just woke up to seventeen texts from you saying all the things you would have done for a french fry.
Dude, I'm importing a boy from Oklahoma for my divorce party. It's like doctors without borders, but with dicks.
I told the bartender that he could give me back the tip I gave him if he outsmarted me in a battle of wits. He has yet to challenge me.
There was a gay guy in drag passed out against the wall but we had sex in there anyway.
We're having a serious conversation and I just responded to something he said with an emoticon. I am so baked.
I was too sleepy and drunk to verbally annihilate anyone and ruin their reason for being. So i just opted to sleep with the fitted sheet on the floor
The sigh of relief when u realize none of your drunk texts will result in permanent damage
I am going to dream of scrotums tonight, I just know it.
New Halloween costume idea: Frankenstorm. We have three hours. Make it work.
For my birthday I want you to get me in bed with Donald Trump. That is all. You have 3 months
And one groomsman rode a suitcase cart like a skateboard until he crashed and took out a piece of sheet rock. Later he pulled out his nuts.
PS: bike ride of shame at 7am includes riding by kids waiting for the school bus #classy
Do you know who changed all my phone contacts into characters from Harry Potter?
He Who Must Not Be Named.
Fuck you.
She was sitting on the couch in his tux jacket...no pants, eating cold vegetable lasagna. Yet I'm the weirdo?
Randomize
