I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
Just got thank you sex for shoveling the driveway. I cant wait for the next blizzard
No... We were arguing over whose family is more dysfunctional... Then my brother stumbled in and puked all over jakes ugly dog.
So at what point do I tell her that I like fucking these hot southern girls more than I like my relationship with her?
And it just wouldn't be a Thursday night without me having to cuss out a foreigner. The streak continues.
i woke up with my wallet keys and phone missing and a treasure map to find them stapled to my shirt.
haha i know
Every time I get scared about the fact that I'm falling for him I remember that he juggles and is hung like a mastadon and everything is a-ok.
I remember key bumps, porn and a mom in my bed. Sums up my day.
that is an amazing summary hahaha
Also when i was high i would close my eyes and see a puppy on a grill having pancake batter poured on it.... And for whatever reason it was fucking hilarious.
That number that I thought was that dude's number...was actually my district manager's number. Fuckkkk.
Jsyk, in serious talks of trading blowjobs for soup in bed. I'm sober
Of all the kinds of relationships I've had in my life, I'd have to say, lab-partner-with-benefits takes the fuckin cake
It's beautiful and huge. Like a dinosaur.
SpongeBob is life. I once broke up with a guy bc he said SpongeBob was stupid.
That portable toilet under the bed? Turns out it was a tuba. Explains alot.
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