literally followed a trail of condoms to the bus stop this morning. Ahh modern-day bread crumbs
im contemplating emailing my dad and telling him how worthless i am and how sorry i am that he pays for my life...aka my bar tabs.
he's listed in a fb relationship with a girl born in 1993. i'm too drunk to do the math on that one, but i am sober enough to know that's illegal
REAL PEOPLE DRINK 3 BEERS ALONE WILL WATCHING THE LIFETIME MOVIE ABOUT PRINCE WILLIAM AND KATE MIDDLETON
He showed up 3 hours late wearing roller skates and acted like nothing was wrong with that.
if i can get a chik with a dibaetes pump naked a sling certainly isnt going to get in my way
Alright, who started the "how long till dereck gets deported from Australia" pool? I want in on that.
Fulfilled a bucket list goal last night. Borrowed a dollar from a stripper to buy smokes
God bless Atlanta.
Just got shoved by an Elvis impersonator. Evidently it isn't cool to ask how much of a disappointment they are in the eyes of their parents.
it's not like I want to die, I just want life to stop for a little bit. how does that work?
I've decided that I'm okay with you getting a goat. I have to get over my completely rational fear of goats somehow.
It was great. He never spoke.
That's not why it was great, just that's all I remember.
I've Ubered to the bar three times this weekend to get my car but every time I get there I end up drinking. Still no car.
This is random but I just wanted to thank you for all the things you taught me sexually in life.
I'm hungover from the 8pm vodka and still drunk from the 5am beer.
Randomize
