I'm so bored and have no one to sexy text
and I'm going to name my autobiography "blow jobs with enthusiasm are the best"
I'm naming my autobiography "Reasons Not to Date Girls From Texas."
Just told him about my threesome. if that doesn't make him want to date me nothing will.
you were just eating all his cookies and kept mumbling "them crumblies" when the crumbs got on your shirt.
I have been drinking at the bar so long today that I literally just found a spiderweb from my leg to the bar.
I'm pretty sure you called me last night and screamed that she was force-feeding you a bagel.
I really thought you were going to tell me you were pregnant on facebook chat. FACEBOOK CHAT. I almost cried.
I was mixing candy canes and coors light and was in a great place.
I'm thinking about slathering myself with peanut butter and going to the dog park. What's the worst that could happen?
I'm drinking with a guy who is a bigger asshole than me. We started a contest.
I legit had a 15 minute convo about dinosaurs with a guy at the bar last night cuz he was wearing a jurassic park shirt
I didn't want to leave, I wanted to move into his ass
Nothing showshows the government the middle finger more than spending your tax refund on drugs
His dick is pure magic - dark, powerful, beautiful magic. It's the Elder Wand of penises
Let the record show that I hate your ass.
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