its sad that the first thing i assume is that ur trying to indirectly tell me you fucked on a breakfast table
by asking you if you bought one for the apartment?
WHY DOES GOD HATE MY DICK
She went to the bathroom before i broke up with her so i changed all 2500 of her songs on her computer to "I'm a cheating whore"
I kept grabbing at Stephanie's boobs because I thought the leopard spots on her dress were popcorn.
Its so fun. We're having a music war with the boat next to us. They have strippers.
He's the kind of drunk guy that would pee in your mouth while you give him head.
So i think i'm going to frame my summons tickets and give them to dad as a christmas present...
How's your threesome situation going?
Optimistic
Do you remember some guy walking around the club saying "boner patrol" and smacking people in the dick?
Yeah, that was you
He made me brush his hair afterwards because it made him feel like a ken Barbie.
God I hope the sex was good.
It was like a square peg in a round hole... I've never seen one shaped like a stick of butter...
Dude. Went to buy some jack and sailor Jerry, when the guy at the counter realized it was my birthday everybody in the store including the stoners and the elderly sang to me. Then they gave me shots of moonshine. 21st bday was a success
I think I just saw my socks in the parking lot.. gonna keep walking
No I dont want him to bring his twin brother, cause then ill have to entertain him with my vagina
i woke up half naked on someone's pool lounge chair in a house that i don't know, with someone's phone number scrawled on my stomach. why do i hang out with you again??
You just listed two reasons.
Randomize
