soooo.. i guess the cop said he'd drop the charges if i go to some AA meetings and i said fuck AA. not one of my better choices.
Guess who is high enough to buy Jingle All The Way?
my boyfriend just told me he used to have genital herpes. I was gonna have sex with him, but now it's SOOO over.
what kind of stupid fuck tells you that BEFORE sex? he is definitely not a keeper.
You just kept mumbling, "Shit shit shit, the muffin man owes me money." Repeatedly.
How the hell did he get a boner in that type of situation?
Nothing is more important than the last pool party of the season. Call in sick or gay or something.
I'm beginning to think the only reason I get laid anymore is girls are fantasizing sleeping with my dad...
Wait, whatever happened to locking our vaginas in closets?
He called us the '3 Amigos' and told us if hos ex wife came we had to jump the porch railing and hide in the bushes.
I saw a spider on my bed and my first reaction was to throw my weed bag to safety
sex on a roof was cool and all but that superhero argument was the best part of the night hands down
Turns out, it's impolite to repeatedly request Seal "Kiss From a Rose" at bars
you woke me up at 1am last night high on cough syrup to tell me jay z was an idiot for cheating on beyonce
Well that's very sweet of you. I have a strange feeling you're going to regret this when you sober up.
NO REGRETS FUCK DA POLICE
I’m getting reeeeaaalll tired of telling cute boys I gave them chlamydia.
That’s two in three months. You really know how to live.
Randomize
