Currently standing on top of my parents leather couch with no pants on playing helicoptor with my penis. You?
I just woke up with a bunch of French fries in my hand and a chocolate shake balancing on my pillow. Lovely.
I'm starting to have hip problems from having my legs spread too often.
i will be the first lesbian to ever fail women's studies.
Totally just projectile vomited while ridind a bicycle.
It was a legit night tell he threw a snowball in the bar, thats when I knew it was time to go to the next bar.
Selling drugs in raindeer antlers is the best way to spread christmas cheer
Has anyone ever told you you're majestic like a sea turtle when you fuck?
And your cock privileges have been revoked.
There are 18k people at the game and I'm next to the one guy who pulls his underwear down to his ankles to piss.
I would rather get explosive diarrhea at the aquarium than go home alone tonight
I just blocked a guy on grindr for having a little dick. See? I do have standards.
Reading old FB posts. Why did I ever stop drinking?
Please tell me that I didn't call you to say I was swimming in outter space
My vagina needs a break, I had to ice it with a beer bottle last night.
I will consider it. I need to determine if ogling him is worth almost certain death via zipline.
Randomize
