if i die, you can have my worn out liver and american apparel deep v's.sell the liver to a chinese restaurant
I may or may not be drunk driving a golf cart. Vegaaaassssssss.
I only knew it was midnight because i got happy new years texts while i puked outside
for future reference: anal bleach BEFORE boozing
Im eating the cereal I found in my pocket and drinking wine out of the bottle.
It reminded me of the time my mother gave my Bailey's in my stocking when I was 14.
I had to throw a towel over the bottles cuz it hurts to look at them
There's a very real possibility that I'll wake up in your uncle's driveway.
Do you deliver to the black dark pit where I am? I think it's called.... The toilet? Right next to hell...
Congratulations, you've begun to unfuck your life.
Where were you last night, and why am I not surprised that drag queens were involved?
dude...i punched my best friend in the face, broke up with my girlfriend, and shit my pants.......now i don't know which one to take care of first.
Wanna get mid day margaritas tomorrow if I'm still alive
the worst part about living alone is not having other peoples snacks to mooch off of when you havent gone grocery shopping in three weeks. i'm so pms-y i'm about to eat a soy sauce packet
You talk the same way I hallucinate.
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