In similar news, my cock is bigger than the plane that landed in the hudson.
She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
To bright to open both eye. Get pizza and put in feeding tube so i can sleep more
For the whole 7 seconds I lasted, I was in heaven.
You dont ever try to use your dick as a power washer to get bits of poop of the toilet bowl?
It's officially time to start saving up weed money for the NCAA tournament
totally worth getting kicked out for trying to throw my drink on lindsay lohans ankle bracelet.
Me either. I want to get 'chase a stray cat through the neighborhood in my hooker heels' drunk. And it's your birthday, so you have to get 'best friend holding your hair while you puke in the bar bathroom and cry about your life' drunk. In a feather boa.
Ok so you know that's gonna be legally viewed as kidnapping, right?
Do you remember lying across two tables saying 'go away I'm trying to pull' to me, Sollie and Sean?
I just looked down and realized I was walking around in briefs and a ninja turtle shirt; and for a second, I thought I was 8 again... Weird...
There may or may not be an ass shaped dent in the hood of my car. All I know is windshield wipers aren't as sturdy as you think to hold onto.
I think I pulled a muscle in my tongue.
sorry? thank you? I love you?
I need a job that does not involve working with people who wear animal costumes when they get fucked.
my grocery cart consisted of hershey bars, sour patch kids, starbursts, mayo, 4 frozen pizzas, 4 lunchables, and chips. clearly, i can't do this on my own.
Randomize
