I've never had a man I enjoyed more than steak
I want to see you every morning in the kitchen ass naykid on roller blades making pancakes.
Stop sending me these texts. This is your mom, not your girlfriend.
It doesn't matter if he doesn't speak English because I speak the international language of blowies.
She had to put it in. I told her I was too drunk and didnt trust myself to not put it in her ass.
If I should ask "why am I still single?" could someone please remind me of shooting mike and ikes out of my nose at the bartender last Saturday. many thanks
Party Liz is going to have to have her wings clipped until someone gets me some baby reins to wear
We decided this year instead of not participating in Halloween at all we are going to hand out free beers to the parents.
Still not sure if my open-bar-week-long-trip to Cuba is the best idea as a congratulations-for-my-sober-february-challenge. My liver might just explode and give up.
I am making it a rule that only people I am comfortable around enough to not have to put a bra on are allowed for Sunday funday. I think that's a good rule for someone who started drinking alone at noon while everyone else here sipped their coffee.
I'm to sober to make life ruining decisions and alcohol is to expensive at this bar for me to fear that level of drunk happening
Vodka and tater tots have managed to satisfy me more than most of the guys I've slept with.
I'm scrolling through our convo thread and all we talk about is pizza, alcohol & dick with the occasional "I miss you" thrown in.
That kid singlehandedly fucked the breakup right out of me. I'm only hooking up with Millenials from here on out.
It's almost sad. It's like the Harambe of vagina stories really.
Fuck twitter. Fuck men. Fuck bras. Fuck flip flops. Fuck makeup. Fuck perfume.
Randomize
