i just caught my roommate coming out of the bathroom half naked with a surge protector. he told me he didn't wanna talk about it.
Don't bite the hand that gives you multiple orgasms
You know you're hung over when your pose in art class is lying face down on the platform
Its mothers day and I have choke marks around my neck. Thanks for that.
I tried carrying you from the bathroom to your bed and you begged me to bring the toilet too
Ok, gonna go sleep cuz my brain wants to be smart and not follow my pussy into the danger zone
So you met him?
More like I walked in on him, drunk, naked, and doing "bathtub yoga". Please stop bringing your dates home.
He had a tramp stamp of his own phone number. You can't tell me that isn't smart.
And that's why we do second round interviews for possible roommates.
Is it just me or does the sex still keep getting better? I wasn't crying, my eyes just watered from how hard I was cumming.
You left me a voice message at 5 a.m. It was mostly incoherent noise, you screaming my name and then something about a man with two butt holes...
Her alarm in the morning was Best Day Ever from Spongebob. I'm have lots of conflicting feelings right now...
I have unfollowed so many people the only things showing up in my newsfeed are dog rescues and sloth memes
It's alright. I'm just trying to make her realize you're not good enough for her.
We're in an alley with a psychic wizard, shes reading our palms
Randomize
