Most awkward thing ever just happened. I was reaching in my purse to get something and a condom fell out into the woman's lap next to me. At least she knows I'm safe.
i may or may not be watching the land before time
Billy Mays is dead, Vince Schlomi is in jail, who's going to sell me useful gadgets at ridiculously low prices now?!
All I remember is yelling RUN as fireworks started going off in the kitchen. Who said that was a bad idea?
well the hot one passed out so thats that, but then the fat one made chicken nuggets....totally worth it
Do not buy whiskey under any circumstances. There should be a UN sanctioned buffer zone between me and Seagrams.
High enough to ask the woman at best buy if she ever feels like she's swimming. and telling the man outside that he smells like happy juice.
I woke up in a bunk bed beside two Brazilians dude you have no idea how happy I was
My morning started with my mom giving me the number for a substance abuse councellor. How's your day going?
Don't judge me 👊🏼 his dick just whispers my name
Im watching animal planet drunk, watching a documentary on mermaids. Tonight has not gone to waste.
He was simultaneously rubbing my shoulders and fucking me. I'm keeping him.
I hate csi yet I find myself watching a full marathon. I am also eating hotdog buns stuffed with barbecue chips and they are quite tasty
She said she hasn't cheated on me in 7 and a half days and she'd like praise for that.
my roommates gone so i can take codeine and sleep naked
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