I fucking hate vegan toaster pastries. You don't fuck with poptarts. It's like baseball...it's the backbone of american sport and you don't change it. Poptarts are the backbone of american fatasses and you don't just go changing them.
I decided to name her "day after thanksgiving" because I am sure I just got someone elses leftovers.
you asked "if this appropriate to take the the bathroom?" while holding up a bottle of vodka when you went to pee.
We both paused during sex to do the clap during the Friends theme song. Soulmates.
She said, "awww, you're so sweet" after I started putting on a condom. How many STDs have I just contracted?
I'm doing shots of jagger in dixi cups and making a lesson plan for my 8th grader summer school class. My life is so close to adulthood I can taste it
We are a team. I lure them in with my tits, feed them enough alcohol to consider homosexuality, and hand them off to you.
You're the best wingman ever.
ok. i'm ready for you to come back and test the structural integrity of this futon.
He came over to use the microwave, said he needed to heat up some urine.
I can't even express how horny I am. The English language isn't equipped for what I'm plotting.
No it's ok I've been talking to the girl at the Chinese restaurant about your dick for the last 20 minutes. I haven't mentioned your name but she thinks she knows you.
wrestling a boy for fruit? sounds suspiciously like foreplay...
Then. Omg he showed me A CARD TRICK AFTER WE CAME
I just wanna be naked and go frolic in the snow
You know those times when you're sitting down for a while and r like damn I'm sober but then stand up and r like WOAH HOLD UP.
Randomize
