Nothing commands respect in a meeting like Jack Daniels on the breath. You're fine.
Strawberries are so good its weird that food is growable
new excercise plan: walk a mile get a bj then walk a mile home
How can I not totally like a guy that told me my boobs were too big for me to be taught how to play golf?
Guess who is playing his new drum set when his roommate gets home to teach her a lesson about binge drinking to the point of being taken to the emergency room?
I'll pay you to write the paper but not for sex. You should only get paid for something you work hard at.
I'm like 80% sure we nearly got arrested because we threw fireworks at a car
After we had sex he told me it was a "goodbye gift". We haven't talked since.
Last year you twerked on my Christmas tree and threw up all over the bathroom...in front of my parents. We should probably keep power hour to ONLY an hour this year
At some point, I’d like to pretend that his penis is a popsicle.
I'm just down here gazing up into your ivory tower of nudes
You tried to prove you weren't drunk by loudly singing the romanian national anthem. Why the fuck do you even KNOW the romanian national anthem?
I wonder how long it will take her to realize that I peed in her night stand.
Also I’m on 3%. Just Incase.. I miss you and I love you and you’re my everything and I’m getting drunk.
You passed out in my backseat like a legitimate infant. A really drunk, really horny infant
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