I am stoned and watching Pocahontas. I am letting the kids eat whatever they want. I am the best babysitter in the whole wide world
you left a paper here that says 'to do list' but it looks like you just wrote "drink a bunch of cough syrup and watch Who's the Boss" like 60 times
The cop and I then joined forces to get you up off the sidewalk.
Well, I looked over and you and him were each making out with a fireman. And then you switched. And you probably spent an hour like that.
Im in his room watching him sleep. Im going to try and jerk off and not get caught by the nurse.
Well I pulled a muscle in my leg dancing in the tanning booth drunk at 1 pm soooo there's that
Oh, I never thought you were a dick. You were one of the best morally comprised ideas I've ever had.
An outback commercial just played and I remembered that guy from Australia Imade out with at the Derby. Great Bachelorette Party, btw.
her vagina just converted me to Judaism.
I'm busy watching infomercials. I'd say I'll join you later, but I'm doing a shot every time they demonstrate how difficult life is WITHOUT this product. So I doubt I'll be able to walk in another... Maybe 40 minutes.
But feel free to join! A new infomercial starts in 12 minutes.
You have to start asking people if they're gay before you kiss them..
She text me that night and asked how the dick was and I quote my drunk self "average at best"
I'm naked in a forest ranger station right now
If you had asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be right now at 26 years old, I can bet you one million dollars that "tweezing out my nose hairs before I go in to get laser hair removal on my upper lip" would NOT have been the answer
it was all good until mid make out when he announced 'i just came'. ...he wasn't joking.
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