The only reason you're wearing underwear tonight is cause you have a family dinner before
you were calling yourself Ulickes S. Cunt.
alright so where did all these fingerpaintings on my bedroom wall come from?
dude. you drew those with your dick
I can't wait until weight watchers comes out with a beer
I really wish I had added "blowjob on a slide at a playground" to my bucket list before last night.
The entire time I'm blowing him she's in the back seat lecturing me on the reasons why you're not suppose to do that while they're driving...
We're sitting in his room writing songs about America. There's a verse about a dead dog. There's tequila everywhere.
he had the kids march single file in front of us on the way home so they didn't have to watch him pulling me passed out in their wagon...
What do you need? A swimsuit and a liver of steel? What else?
What happened to the good old days when we whispered the words beer pong and people came running?
Emoji's do wonders when you actually have nothing at all to say..
Should I be concerned you put your last name in my phone as "danger"?
Listen, dont tell me about your day or that your mom is in town. Don't ask me to drive you to the airport or proofread your paper. Text me when and only when you have a boner. Oh and take your pants off and leave your front door unlocked because I'm coming over.
Hey. You dropped and smashed your road beer in my store last night. Again. And this time you didn't even order anything. You just walked in, yelled "SWEDISH STYLE!" Then lost your beer, looked depressed, and left.
I passed out in my bed, but woke up on the dog bed,with no pants, snuggling with toilet paper and a bottle of softsoap. Ive hit a new low.
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