Sometimes, when I pour the powdered creamer in my coffee I like to pretend it's Colombian grade cocaine.
That's the kind of morning coffee a girl could welcome the day with.
I wont be hard to find. Im wearing a darth vader mask and I have a megaphone.
so the last visual we have of him for the next 87 weeks is him outside on the ground rolling around yelling I HATE BLOWJOBS
Ill trade u your bra for a run to the liquor store...
I opened up my wallet and it was filled with puke.
He stole all of his parent's vodka WHILE they were in the room, and then opened the window and snuck out. I was watching from my truck
Why do you have an empty bottle of port in your bathroom bin?
Apparently I'm a "fire hazard"
Getting robbed by hookers is def a right of passage in a mans life
Do me a favor and don't mention him I feel like Regina George and I just want to scream I made him
Haha. I have resting bitch face. He has I want y'all to die face. It's a subtle difference
Him showing up yesterday was like a giant ego stroke for my vagina.
Remember I am not doing blow tonight. I REPEATE NO COCAINE unless I do it with your mom
That has got to be a joke. No human eats that much grass and lives to tell the tale.
It was probably the most embarrassing moment of my life. But I had cleavage, so I'm good!
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