I got so high that I decided to drive with my knees on the way home. Where am I going in life?
Nowhere
Do you think they'll have a special part during the BET awards for Michael Jackson even though he turned white?
Girls are like M&M's, once the lights go out you can't tell the difference.
Being a girl sucks.
Being a boyfriend sucks for about a week, too
I don't know if the fire truck was perfect timing or if she actually burned something down.
So I told her I dislocated my shoulder and she said "well okay. I can either be on top or blow you."
Decisions, decisions.
She keeps stunt undies in her bag, 2 sizes too small. She leaves them behind so the guy thinks he was luckier than he was...
Next time I say "Watch this" Get me the fuck out of the bar.
My eyes feel like they're throwing up and I am the only human on campus
the cops accepted 42 wallaby way Sydney. and the cops, and cab driver accepted the new address. please tell the win i am experiencing
Dude, just found out there's a monster in a video game named after me. No more dating nerds.
You were so high that you only FaceTimed me so that you could stare into your own eyes and not actually say anything
You spent like 10 minutes trying to hit a golf ball that was actually a cigarette butt. And then fell over.
Why is there a wet sock in my garbage? Why did I chug so much red wine? Why was someone signing into my iCloud account at 4 am in China? Why do I do self-destructive reckless things? So many questions.
I know that whole thing was awkward. Not worth the piece of cake.
Randomize
