she was talking to me but i could help but stare at the extremely long hairs on her boobs. then she says, "your looking at the hair on my boobs aren't you"
I think I have swimmer's ear. From his tongue.
She has never blacked out. I have tried to get her to so many times. Apparently it's a lot harder than we make it out to be.
Last night he tried to put me in their garbage can and then sprayed me with a fire extinguisher in their kitchen...that house is always interesting
i like to finish this college football season knowing that not once have I had to masturbate to erin andrews
I remember your 21st ending with me driving you home while you insisted making bicycle signals out the car window.
He has a shower chair now. So he sits and watches me shower. It's kind of creepy.
I just saw an easily 300lb shirtless man on a Vespa. My day has been simultaneously made and ruined.
that's the first time I've heard "shenanigans" and "apocalypse" in the same sentence
So do you remember the bartender that caught me when I fell off the bar 4 weeks ago? He hasn't been to work since...Woops.
I think someone tried to make a huge bowl of ramen in my bathtub. There's noodles everywhere in my bathroom.
do you think eating a burger while having sex counts as multitasking skills?
YOU TOOK A FUCKING SNAP OF ME TRYING TO PEE! I'M GOING TO FUCK YOU WITH THE BUSINESS END OF A RUTED RAKE!
the only things my left hand does: catch/hold things and masturbation.
I don’t know if I’m nauseous or just disgusted with myself.
Randomize
