I farted on Jack's balls last night. He got pissed and walked away cause he knew it was on purpose. I couldn't hold it in anymore.
The chance that I have herpes may have made me find god
literally every day that goes by where he doesn't talk to me makes me more determined to get him to have sex with me
My head weighs 7 pounds. i know this because i spent the majority of the night passed out in the bathroom, using the scale as a pillow.
how is telling me how long you drunkenly fucked someone supposed to make me miss you?
You grinded and hooked up with a middle aged tiger woods look-a-like with manboobs. Tequila isn't for you.
WAIT DID YOU MAIL ME A KITTEN
...You tried to use your wallet to call her after you gave your cell phone to the cab driver as a "peace offering"
Just puked in my hallway. Good start to a great night
I'm disease and pregnancy free. This is an Easter for the books!
I'm not gonna ask the guy I've fucked like 3 times if he is insecure about his eyebrows.
We were making fun of some people having sex on the beach, an hour later we were having sex on a golf course
Girl i am always here for you. But i am going to have sex now so im going to call you in the morning.
My mom's yelling at me for being a whore and my dad's quizzing me on how to drive in winter weather....I'm home!
He couldn’t find my clit with a map. Literally. I drew him a map.
Randomize
