my mouth tastes like poor choices
You are an awful beat friend I am goin to die in a car accident and then my corpse is going to be used by criminals ala weekend at bernies to rob a bank then my corpse will go to jail Thanks john Thanks for nuthin
Before we started fucking, he laid me on the bed, and asked my what my sleep number was, so that i would be "comfy"
You "were" hungover, which is past tense. So that gives you no excuse not to go out tonight.
She said my dick tasted like a junior mint. Ive decided im using this soap the rest of my life
Beware of calls from Dad. I just had a longer than I would care to admit convo about the ididarod. Apparently it starts tomorrow.
As girls, Bert & Ernie are not very bangable costumes. At least not by who we'd want to get banged by.
I was kidding. But I promise you I'd still find us the most eligible bangables, even if we dressed up like a dumpster and a prom night baby.
He refused to pierce my nipples, saying they are the best he's ever seen and that blemishing them would be a crime
Yeah. I made eggs in a microwave. I think that's an accomplishment this week, MOM.
So many weird people in this class. I can practically taste their unwanted virginities. They taste bad.
You made me take a photo of you under the stairs at the bar. "Look I'm Harry Potter."
it's a rainbow of FUCK YOU
I had sex with two guys in one day. One on my grandma's couch, one on a golf course. This is the greatest post-surgery accomplishment I could ask for.
My penis definitely considers my Captain Cock costume a success
So there we are, fucking beneath the Christmas tree and I glance up and see one of the local Jehovah's witnesses staring in horror through the decorative glass in the front door. I'm so proud of us.
Randomize
