her voice is like 435,765 daggers being simultaneously twisted into my eardrum
i'd rather just be hit by a car than answer her phone calls
you yelled that ur labia majora was swollen at 3 am in the dorm hallway
Odd question. Did you find a 20 in your boxers? I need it for gas.
I feel like letting the same guy who shot him dig the pellet out of his leg with a pocket knife was the bigger mistake
I think we should go through the tsa checkpoint with raging hardons when we go through LAX. I think we should pass out some viagra to everyone
He kept humping my leg and whispering "dont worry, thats my phone not my penis"
Just turned down sex because it's a holy day of obligation, my mom would be proud.
Hey my dad gave me life the least I can do is take him chicken strips and a pack of marlboros.
I just gate-crahed a party and met a state senator, so I had an interesting afternoon jog.
I just offered a cat a "drinky drinky" I'd say my night has started
Dude, half of south Mississippi has seen my taint. I'm not worried.
Yup, found the vomit in the side compartment. My bad.
Tomorrow's lesson plan is going to be on hangovers and why drinking during the week is never a good idea. I hope my boss approves.
The cop was standing next to me when I texted "haha" to your phone...didn't realize that he had taken it already...
I just snorted sandwich everywhere.
I hope it smells nice :)
IT DOESN'T BECAUSE I HAVE MEAT COMING OUT OF MY NOSE, DAMNIT.
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