Will you blow on my dice?
if you don't open the door right now liz is going to get pregnant
So do you want to come over? ;)
Never again opening up the Pandora's box of crazy that is your vagina. Sorry.
Would you want me to push you down the stairs OR throw you a baby shower?? Real talk
I definitely managed to work the word "aforementioned" into the conversation.. At least I'm an intelligent sexter.
Found a guy passed out on the coffee table with a thong duct taped from ear to ear.
I just sold some kid a bong I made out of a vuvuzela for $50. I think I found my career path.
I hope my tampon is in his bed. That'll teach him. Happy new years btw
Found the puke drawer
I mean I sucked his dick at 3 AM... UNDERWATER. I think I have earned a follow back on twitter.
I walked into the living room this morning and he was there with 3 shots in a row. He said it was "tea time."
was his pinky out?
If you need me I'll be getting drunk in a chewbacca onsie like a real adult.
Why does my car smell like burnt toast?
I take it you don't remember trying to make grilled cheese with your cigarette lighter...
The waitress at the Denny's in usa remembered me from 2 years ago when we went at 4 in the morning plastered, wearing overalls and huge inflatable corona hats on our heads
That ass isn’t going to eat itself.
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