The maid of honor just puked.
I feel like if im whacking off more now that i have a gf than i did when i was single, somethings wrong.
So, remember how that one doctor said it was 1 in a million that I'd get pregnant...
Yeeah thank god
Well..welcome to parenting Mr. one in a million.
He tricked me...the first song on his sex mix was trey songz but the rest were techno....i can't walk straight now
The fact that you think you peed off a roof shows you shouldn't have been on a roof.
She passed out in the backyard, making "face down" snow angels ... so they could have a smile.
They put me in charge of something. Why the fuck would you look at me and put me in charge of something while i'm double fisting peach mimosas at a baby shower
i preemptively threaten to cock slap your kids if they are snobby yuppy bitches
I just took my birth control with Redi-Whip. I'm that girl.
He just had a handle of vodka with ice in it yelling at people hot august night mother fuckaaaaa and was pouring it on his face
It was total unicorn galloping on a fucking rainbow awesome.
You are attracted to power and since you can't date the married old guy you have to go for the next best thing - his gay son
i woke up in just my thong, face first on my bed with all the lights on. how hungover do you think i felt?
This is either going to be a hilarious catfish or the fuck trophy of the century.
The neighbor just poured gasoline on his 2 brush fires and proceeded to shoot Roman candles at them 🤔
Randomize
