How does she give head with a nose like that? It looks like she has a plantain stuck in the middle of her face.
I got otter pops to cool the beers, it's an all around better idea.
I denied three guys and puked everywhere because I love you.
my life is one jail cell away from being a bad country music song.
After having to meet his mom half naked, running into the tree in front of her didn't seem so bad.
Just drove through Taco Johns wearing a drug rug and no pants. When I rolled down my window, the girl paused for a minute before saying "um... 4.07"
His penis is literally smaller than my cell phone. I can't go out like that.
Well then. It seems like we have a Mexican standoff of genitals
Woke up with eyeliner streaked down my face, glitter all over my bed, and holding half-eaten Jimmy Johns. Plus, my whole family's downstairs for Thanksgiving... Welcome to the shitshow that is my early 20s
you started looking at my couch laughing and saying to it "she thinks I'm talking to you" then proceeded to laugh and talk to the couch some more.
He offered me a trade. He'll come sober to my parents 25th anniversary dinner if I let him tie me up for an hour.
Update. bondage is a lot harder than it looks.
Nothing brings compassion from a group of cafe workers like walking in and asking if they have a 'hangover special'
Now it's a thing. He's kind of a creeper and now he's lotioning me. This is going to turn into a Buffalo Bull situation.
Left my house last night with a girlfriend, $200 in my wallet, and 10 finger nails. Came home with no girlfriend, an empty wallet, and 9 1/2 finger nails.
Yea, I had a bad night too aha
I may just have to resign myself to life in flats. He's a sexy little chipmunk that worships me.
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