Sorry if I ruined your sex last night with my constant text updates about the plot of Bolt.
My neighbor is on the his front porch in a robe dipping a popsicle into what appears to be vodka. I want to be his son.
Ive seen him cuddling a giant inflatable seahorse. Nothing could be creepier than that.
My goal for the night is to see your housemate's one lonely teste.
I can't believe I had to sit there pretending to play Halo with a condom on for 20 Minutes because your brother barged in to tell a story.
I feel like despite his sleaziness I could be friends with this man. he just sent me a picture of his dog's balls.
Some guy offered you 100 bucks last night to suck your toes. I had to drag you away while you were yelling at me, "Stop money cock blocking me!"
That's just where I'm at in my life.
the cops are being surprisingly chill about david hanging from a tree with no pants.
I work 80 hours a week to prevent myself from just laying in bed and masturbating all day. It's a hands off strategy.
I left him on his mom's lawn after he passed out in my lap and told me my vagina smells like flowers. Couple of the year award
Aint no party like a Broke College Girls Eating Stuffed Crust Pizza party
Correction: *I* watched JoJo's Bizarre adventure while he snored asleep on me cock still fully inside me.
I mean I faked it but he could answer my texts
So this is how i'm celebrating Easter? By eating chicken nuggets and masturbating all day. What a life.
Tbh.. I hope he still watches our sex tapes so he can be reminded of what he's missing out
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