Moving to Utah. Got sick of alcohol and have a severe wife shortage.
can you wear a superman outfit if we ever have sex?
he told me he's been faithful to his girlfriend and is gonna try to stay that way. challenge accepted.
I gotta find new tactics tho. There's just so many tied up dicks one can look at before part of your soul dies.
Is this the girl that wrote "Poon Slayer" across my chest?!
are you still mad that doritos made their way into my sex life
.....a litte
If you happen to tell anybody my drunk story in the near future, please refrain from telling them about me shitting myself. People are getting the wrong idea and random people are messaging me on Facebook making fun of me for that
Doing tequila shots with my ex to celebrate that we broke up... not awkward at all.
I look like i have multiple stab wounds in my foot and there are footprints from the elevator to my room. What happened?
I'm pretty stoned, and for a second I forgot that I'm not actually Barbie and I was getting excited about all the fun we were going to have on my jet.
She said, after pronouncing how sober she was, and I quote 'Take this bag, it's so heavy it's like 500 degrees! Wait, is it time to go? Can I run? I think I can run!' Then she ran away.
Dude the little bong I just got fits nicely in the cup holder in my car. The gods approve of my habits.
please tell dad to clear the porn off his tablet before he lends it to anyone from now on
"WHAT IS THIS LESBIAN MADNESS"
I tried to get the guy I like to “spit shake” on a sexual bet... why am I such a bro fml
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