Well yesterday i made out with the entire football team and rifht at this very moment our waiter looks like a ken doll. Straight up. And he gave me wine so ill probly make out with him
college has opened so many doors for you
She was kinda tragic... like a puppy that runs into things. Cute but really stupid. So, yeah, I hit it.
They had half off shots during the fourth quarter. I was powerless.
You know, I had the money for a pregnancy test, but at the time, tacos were more important.
Apparently suggesting that she was the kind of girl who might be expected to kill someone's pets hurt her feelings...
Standing on the street at 6am in Hong Kong drinking beer. Watching all the hookers do the walk of shame from our hotel. How did I get here? Maybe all my bad choices in my life were really good ones?
ps if your frozen peas taste like crotch it's because some dude kicked me in the nuts while trying to do a keg stand and I needed an ice pack
He gave me an elaborately handwritten invite (on a bar coaster) back to his place and whispered in my ear 'i have ping pong'. And he said byob. fuck THAT.
I woke up naked in his kitchen...His name is Mike and we're having a "what happened last night" beer.
Last time i carry you out of a forest
Dude walks in wearing jean shorts and a graphic tshirt and goes home with an attractive female. EXPLAIN YOURSELF UNIVERSE.
Imma do four shots of whisky within two minutes and pass out. Otherwise this'll go badly.
Hypothetically speaking how does one remove a lamp that they hypothetically superglued to the ceiling?
Acetone nail polish remover, and you lied about studying last night didn't you?
Oh definitely.
I just want you to make me second guess my worth as a human. Is that too much to ask?
I'll do anything with you, except downhill sports and butt stuff.
Randomize
