It's official. Every guy I've slept with has been to jail.
I have a new reason to go to work: I can tell which 3 of my coworkers are sisters just by looking at their butts.
took out my tampon, fucked him, and put a new one back in all before he realized I was on my period. beat that one bitch.
Dude you have to stop using "I eat good pussy" as a pick up line
Not sure if jager bombs can cure tuberculosis, but its a theory im testing as we speak
Im about to embark on a date with someone who shit in my car. How did this become my life?
The hookup that almost was... Both partys too drunk to migrate to the other.... the universe has won this one.
The best was when you were crying, and trying to get the bouncer to "understand you AS A HUMAN BEING"
They've already turned me into the Dean of Students once because they felt 'unsafe' because I came home hammered and asked one of them to make me a grilled cheese sandwich. Like, I just ASKED!
you said you couldn't hang because you had to masturbate and feed your lizard
To get him to come she paid for his uber and promised that someone in the house would give him head. it worked
His dick is pure magic - dark, powerful, beautiful magic. It's the Elder Wand of penises
The next morning I found her spread eagle asleep on the living room floor and he was asleep with his head in her crotch. I needed a ride and had to wake them up.
He was out clubbing with his SON. WHY did you let me KISS HIM? Also WHERE WAS HIS SON?!
So how do I tell him I've been sleeping with his wife too?
Randomize
