What part of "waking up in the crawl space of my house with a raccoon" sounds like a good night to you?
I just took a dump by candlelight. I feel like a pilgrim.
I was found on the hood of someone elses car... Who would've thought there were 2 white nissans?
Condom broke. Took her to CVS for plan B and parked in expectant mothers spot. I laughed.. she cried
This is me reassuring you that I'm still alive and making sure you still are.
I'm on this new diet called "I have 10$ till next Friday, I have rice
Just saw a woman in bootie shorts and a winter coat at the library. God. Bless. Prostitutes.
I was drunk for 3 days straight...well wasted for 3 days with periods of "just drunk" inbetween
He just snapchatted me a picture of his cock. The angle makes it look like a freakin skyscraper. Thinking of photoshopping a little monkey on it.
I'm home alone drinking wine, so high, scrubbing my house down... This is what my thirsty thursday has become
Underoos and an IDGAF attitude: all you need to successfully win at life
(Underoos optional)
New low: uploading my contacts into Facebook in an attempt to get the name of the girl I brought home last night.
Tonight I researched being a phone sex operator and teaching English at a French school in Africa. I think my future lacks direction
I woke up with sticky red stuff all over my sheets, face, and chest. Apparently after I blacked out I thought eating ribs in bed was a good idea
I am 11 times too hungover to give the eulogy
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