she asked me if the dress made her look fat, i told her no - the fat made her look fat.
Those 2 guys from the sonic commercial will be virgins for life.
you tried to tell me that ice cream had no calories because they were "frozen"
I just had a 30 minute fake cell phone conversation with myself just to avoid hooking up with the drunk guy next to me. its like an art form.
My neighbor just watched me eat a granola bar without pants, this is a whole new level of unemployed
They're taking me to ER. Mistasnkingly. Come get me.
We need you. We already made it on global news and are drunk at the election party.
Love me.
GO THE FUCK TO BED IT'S 3AM I AM NOT TAKING YOU TO MCDONALDS.
Just for one nugget?
How is it that I've hooked up with not one but two guys in the children's section of a bookstore tonight?
Girl this is ridiculous I told my self that I would stop having sex in stairwells yet it keeps happening
some kid lit a j in the bar tonight. i was in awe of both his boldness and the severe beatdown he received moments later
You can be responsible and still be on that ho life
He just got really stoned and kept complementing my ponytail
I'm laying backwards. On the stairs. Eating carrots. And drinking from a captain Morgan bottle.
Slept with a member of the band last night, found out today after extensive stalking he’s engaged. Pro tip: don’t research one night stands.
Randomize
