umm..so Dad's wearing a thong, I don't know what to do
put a dollar in it?
I had a talk with my mom about respecting myself and not acting like a whore so she will rip my nose ring out if she somehow sees that picture
ran into someone who graduated hs with us while i was paying for booze in quarters. i love it when people from my past catch me in my classier moments.
He really likes Obama...and Bill Clinton too. He said "I mean, how many presidents can say that they got head in the oval office?"
Soulmates.
Her tits were the only thing that upgraded her from "no way in fuck" to "drunken mistake"
You stood up gave the stripper 15 ones in a wad, hugged her and then sat back down.
I am solely responsible for the birth of their child. I mean, I did push them into the room and hold the door shut yelling "punch that kitty!". It has to be a sign.
This must be what defeat feels like to Tom Brady today. I bet he wishes he could barf up all of his bad decisions from yesterday, too.
Yeah I fingered her in the crowd and the dj saw it and gave me props over the speakers. I got so many high fives.
I lost the bet. I now have to do all chores sans clothing of any kind. I give it a week before I'm knocked up...
Woke up this morning naked, wrapped in a bath mat with a wad of singles on the table. I'm calling it a win.
If we don't have crazy animal sex tonight at least twice, I'll know he's cheating on me.
Who wouldn't want crazy animal sex with you?!
A cheater.
He started french braiding my hair while I was blowing him. The question is not why, but how.
You can get gift cards to the liquor store! This changes everything.
Me-World Problems: do I have my boyfriend come to my birthday party in drag, or is that too weird for the first time meeting literally any of my friends
Randomize
