Do you have swine flu?
I know my taste in men is not always top notch; however, I don't sleep with swine.
Pigs, yes. Swine, no.
I jacked off with the cucumber and then made that fatass a salad.
Well, for starters you dressed up in all Green and kept singing that song from "A Goofy Movie". Then you made us call you Powerline for the rest of the night...needless to say no, you didn't hook up with her
i just heard her through the wall saying "not on my face! NOT on my face!" then a scream and "I SAID NOT ON MY FACE!!!"...nice work dude.
Just now remembered singing Trashy Women at the reception. Not karaoke, just sang along with the mic I stole from the DJ. All while still in my dress drinking champagne from the bottle
Nothing is more awkward than taking a dump while someone is crying in the bathroom.
New low: falling asleep with my face in the toilet only to be awoken when my hand slid down and touched the water. It's moments like these I wish I could forget.
I got 87 likes on my changed relationship status. It's official. I'm way more fucking awesome single.
They're mostly guys
Early bird gets the worm.
A "Tom-vomit" is when you puke but cough as it comes up, so you close you mouth as a natural reaction and the vomit is jet-propelled out your noise.
I wasn't that drunk, I know my limits. When peeing became difficult I stopped taking shots.
Awkward sister question: which game of thrones female left would you fuck?
It was a great idea until we got stuck in a ditch. We had to call redneck cousin 1
Sleeping in a car was not on my list of plans for the night.
It was awful. He had a wife
And now you've had a year of virgin penance. Absolve yourself.
Can you please bring the nipple sombrero up?
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