I'm smoking weed out of a trumpet
I just did a slip and slide down the hall way of my apartment building
Tie
You know that bakery that Sandra Bullock's sister owns?
The one in Montpelier?
yeah, well it doesn't exist anymore. VT's one fucking claim to fame closed.
i'm really high, and this is sooooooooooo important. how many frosties does it take to fill a bathtub?
Come downstairs. Moms serving wine for breakfast again.
I found him crying and drunk, in my closet holding a picture of Tyler Perry. He managed to say"he's just so many people"
I had to download the flashlight app so I could finish taking a dump when the power went out.
Ima go for a jog. and I'm going to jog until I throw up a lung. then I'll crawl home.
turns out that the cat the james was trying to catch was a raccoon. call me when you get this, i need an ER buddy
I'm beginning to think the only reason I get laid anymore is girls are fantasizing sleeping with my dad...
Whoever put the picture of my dad in the condom box is an asshole
Because everyone is allowed one half drunken 7:30 am walk back to campus in a cowgirl costume, right?
Oh and no more ball pics to my family. Got in a little trouble over that. They have no sense of humor.
I need to mount that unicorn and turn him into a full blown steed.
The guy I made out with the other night fed me chipotle favored funions and I thought it was true love when I was drunk.
..and by hang out i don't mean fucking then going back home i mean let's get something to eat & watch a movie and fuck sometime in between.
Randomize
