When I told my boss I'm using a vacation day for 4/20, he gave me his personal cell phone number and winked at me.
Well he paid for dinner, so I paid for the Plan B, but the parking ticket I got is totally his responsibility.
you know something has gone wrong in your life when you've gotten a court order to stay away from ALL mc donalds.
she's my drunk super hero.
Somehow I feel more guilty using her razor then I do having sex with her boyfriend...
You were humming mission impossible as we ran from the cops
he was holding the bottle like a running back yelling for security and the national guard as he was being tackled
This morning I learned I traded my sunglasses for a Big Lebowski sticker at the football game.
I remember because you made a pirate noise when you came.
He threw a twenty at the stripper and asked for change
well did he get it
....yes
I just want to emotionally destroy him but also find out how big his dick is so this is perfect
I need a nap, Harry Potter movies, and dick in this exact order after work.
If I remember correctly I tried to steal a mail truck last night
The perfect man would keep a whisky sour in my hand and give me endless sex. I really don't think that's too much to ask for.
Last night I realized my life is an experiment of really bad decisions when I had to leave without my underwear. But at least I'm expanding my life experience.
It was some weird herd predator-evasion instinct. All 15 of us took off running in different directions, and the two cops just stood there, perplexed. They had no idea who to chase.
Randomize
