I like how my family gatherings are basically an ugly sweater party just with better beer and wine...
You only like me because I'm a challenge
You already blew me
My dad just called from upstairs on the house phone to tell me to bring him a beer. You tell me how I am.
just chugged some gatorade and threw it up. todays gonna be awesome
I'm starting to blur the boundary between reasonable senioritis and self-destruction. Somewhat-openly hittin the flask in 11am class
She peed in the limo. She stood up and pulled up her dress and peed on the floor of the limo.
I always "accidentally" drop a condom and make sure she sees it's a magnum. By the time I'm inside her and she realizes how small I am, it's all over in a flash and I'm done. Plus, they never call back so I never have to see the girl ever again. #gratefulforprematuretinypenis
Are we in any of the areas with tornados?
Dude, i don't even have pants on yet, it's too early to think about tornadoes.
He's practically not my boyfriend anymore. So let's go get some glitter, balloons, alcohol and forget this night ever happened.
You've got to be fucking kidding me. Do you think "Husband drunkenly pees all over floors" is reasonable grounds for divorce? So pissed off right now.
Awk moment when I forgot to tell my hookup about visitor parking so he got towed
Someone stole a lamp last night.
Why are my jeans soaking wet and smell like chlorine??
Bc u told a stranger in the hotel "I have sinned' and made him get into the hotel fountain and "baptize u". I've got a vid
he literally walked in took a shit and left ringing the 'great service' bell on the way out.
Do you remember punching the light out in the bathroom? I didn't, and that was at bar 2 of 4…
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